I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
