your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Randomize
