proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
