I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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