There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
