i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Randomize
