Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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