You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
