I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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