he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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