I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
love makes seman taste better
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
