I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
