I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
