I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
being pregnant is like rehab
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
