you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
