I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
