Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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