A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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