where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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