eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
