You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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