I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Please don't give away my fajitas
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