He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
