its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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