Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
