this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
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I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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