...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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