saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
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