I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I just blew my weed a kiss
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
