My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
