I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
