The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
