dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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