I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
