My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
