Don't you send me to vm
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
