i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
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