My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
