conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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