I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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