His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
