Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
This show inspires me to have sex in space
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
