She's JV to your varsity
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
