When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
