i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
