I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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