You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I think I won the penis lottery.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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