just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
