I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
