so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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