you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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