God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
