My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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