Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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