I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
